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I wrote this last year and posted on my social media feed. I miss him every day. The raw intensity of that pain is not really part of my everyday any longer but the scar is ever present. Grief has existed along side more than half of my life. The greatest teacher I wish I had never encountered.

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Twenty-six years ago I was still a happy go lucky kid with not a care in the world other than my wisdom teeth having been just removed, and missing the first day back to college. I was 17 – almost 18. My dad went off to work and similar to many mornings I argued with him about something trivial, something teenage. I never saw him again. Late that day two police officers came to our home to tell us what we feared the most. I watched my mother crumple in front of me at the door. The rest is blurry. Everyone arrived. I mean everyone. Within minutes (?) hours (?) our house was FULL of all the people who loved us; my sisters and brother, all our friends, extended family, neighbours…everyone.
Late that night my sister Robin and I sat talking. She said it was as though the moon and the stars had fallen out of the sky…and yet the world had not taken notice. It was indeed just like that. Miraculously the sun rose the next morning as well. Apparently the sun was also unaware that our father, sweet, gentle, generous, kind, giving, Matthew Douglass, had been brutally murdered, for no reason at all.

I will let those who don’t know the story, look up the details for themselves. Here are your search parameters: 1992 Concordia University, Dr. Matthew Douglass.

What I will share is that the intense grief and suffering that we endured as a family from that moment forward pulled us together in a way that is astounding. From my 17-year old perspective I gained insight into humanity that shaped who I was to become and grounded my beliefs in my fellow man, the universe and spirituality. I didn’t know it at the time of course, but the single biggest lesson that changed the core of the way I would lead my life was this – when I looked around the church on the day of my father’s funeral, I saw hundreds and hundreds of people, most of whom I did not know. All of whom knew my dad. His gentle nature and influential teaching had touched so many that they were literally pouring out of our tiny church, just wanting to be close to share their love for our dad. I realized right then that this is what life is all about. It’s not about the car you drive or the money you make or the things that fill in the cracks in your life. Life is about your relationships. Life is about love – in every shape and form. Life is about living every day as if you intend to leave this earth a better place. It didn’t all come to me just like that – but the essence of those sentiments were present that day so long ago. I was just three years older than my own daughter now, hard to believe.

One year ago today, on the 25th anniversary of my father’s death, I sat in a hospital room beside my dying husband. He was not really responding to us anymore, but he still knew I was there. In the years between 1992 and 2017, I would never have imagined that life would throw yet another incredible tragedy my way. And yet here we were, the moon and the stars falling out of the sky again, the sun still rising…and the world unbelievably, still turning. I sat grieving my father last year, thinking a quarter century had passed. The intensity of that grief has dulled but we have never stopped missing him. I read somewhere that grief is like a wound on your skin. At first it is raw and continuously painful and you can’t help but focus all your energy on it, trying to heal it and very conscious of how exposed and delicate it is. You can’t see the healing happening really but one day when you have become accustomed to the bandage you have been putting over it, you realize you no longer need to hide it from the light. You are certainly left with a scar though. It is still visible for all to see, but over time, it fades, and becomes a part of your skin, a part of you. And you always have the memory of how that came to be.
The bigger the love, the bigger the grief. Dr. Matthew McCartney Douglass – I only had you for 17 of my years on this planet but you managed to fill those years with immeasurable love, teachings, laughter, music and memories. What a life you had. What a legacy you left. ❤️💕❤️